Most women I know tell me they are happy that they found someone special and are married because they would not want to be alone not realizing that it’s still possible to feel lonely in a marriage. As hard as it is to feel lonely when you have no significant other, it is even more emotionally difficult when you do have a partner and you feel lonely anyway. When you are single, you at least have the fantasy that one day you will meet someone and not be lonely. But when you are married, your loneliness feels infinite and hopeless. You wonder, is it me, is it him or is it us? Married or not, everyone has some time they spend alone. But not everyone enjoys it. The fact is somewhat we are all alone, in that no one can ever be at one with us “really”. On the other hand, metaphorically, we can feel at one with someone for periods of very intimate time. This happens in great friendships and great marriages. Still, even with your soul mate, there are times you will be alone. Alone simply means no other human being is with you. Alone time can even be intensely enjoyable if it is experienced as a freedom to do what you want and if you have the self-confidence to think that your own company is pretty darn good. There was a time I felt alone in my marriage as well I guess it came from my husband working third shift coming home going straight to school and spending about a three to four hours awake, mostly playing the game or watching sport or movies and the rest of the time spending it with our sons (in the house) then off to sleep. This would go on Monday –Friday and on Saturday morning he has to rest from working all night and off to the club to hang out with his friends. On Sunday he will sleep in from being out into am them wake up give his family some time then later off to Soccer. So it should be obvious why I felt lonely in my marriage evens with my husband being closes by. I think what keeps me going is the fact that I understand that school the shift he work is not forever.I was hopefully this will give my husband the opportunity to be able to sleep with me again at night and have more time for his family. But of course I had that thought in the back of my mind like,what if he finds something else to do to replace that time slot? Of course it was not always this way in the courtship phase of our relationship we were very forthcoming in expressing of our feelings of affection, of desire and of pleasure in being together. This lasted through the two years of our marriage. Then the settling into the relationship took place and with that came taking each other for granted thinking that the other person knows the other person cares. I guess it comes from working to build a financial future and the kids. The functional parts of our partnership likes who’s going to get the groceries, feed the kids, pick them up, work and the bill becomes the marriage. Even when I would sit down with my husband it’s to zone out in front of the TV. I often wanted to talk, but he wants to watch the game. The distance seems to grow and had me thinking that I am alone while sitting next to him.
I guess developmental changes in a marriage tends to bring up loneliness and with that I started building up some type of anger towards my husband. I think I was feeling vulnerable because of the feeling of not being able to attain a job right away, gaining weight from the pregnancy and being by myself with the kids day in and out, of coarse, my husband feel differently than I did. As a result sometimes we both tend to venture out with what we are experiencing and the distance grows between us. I didn't want to feel lonely in my marriage anymore and I defiantly didn't want to believe that this was a part of the normal course of a marriage. I understand there will be normal bumps in the road that takes my husband time and attention away, but I had to do something fast because I could only take so much before I feel I am compromising my own happiness. With that said I started just keeping it real with my husband on my feelings even at times I knew that he didn't want to hear it. I feel that communication and not being fake or influenced is the key to a long marriage. Since I have gain more of a understanding of my husband and vice versa thing in our marriage has continue to improve, we still have some things to work on, but as long as the communication lines are open I feel that we will be OK.
